I was once asked by a prospective Stanford freshman, “Why Stanford?”

After giving her short yet wonderfully profound inquiry some thought, I told the ProFro: “Because nowhere else will you find this level of genius coexisting with this level of chill.”

I later Yik Yakked the same phrase and got 273 upvotes. Just saying.

My good friend, church buddy, and hallmate Joey Valery is one living example of my Yakkable claim.

Joey recently pre-assigned to live in the new Outdoor-Themed house on campus next year. The pre-assignment process consisted of filling out an extensive application designed to– from what I can tell– determine whether or not an prospective resident is truly outdoorsy enough to fit the culture of the house.

One late night in Larkin, as I was on my way to the bathroom to brush my teeth, I noticed Joey laying sprawled out on his stomach in the middle of the hallway gazing intently into his computer screen. I asked him what he was doing. He responded that he was writing about strapping Go Pros to Eagles.


Apparently, one of the questions on the Outdoor House Pre-assignment application was:

“If you could strap a GoPro to anything, what would it be and why?”

This was his response.

In the immortal words of Thomas Jefferson, we are all endowed with certain unalienable rights – among these are “Life, Liberty, the pursuit of Happiness, and the placement of GoPros on bald eagles.” Of course, the imperfect craftsmanship of man could never produce a lens as fine or fearsome as the eagle’s eyes, having been forged over millions of years in evolutionary fire. Man will never know the wind on our wings – what wings we possess are naught but metal mockery of the eagle’s natural elegance. Indeed, the resultant vistas of a GoPro born on eagle’s wing would be but a cruel taste of an unobtainable fruit – true flight.

That being said, it is a taste for which I yearn all the same. What better way to revel in the grandeur of the American wilderness than from behind the beak of this nation’s proud, avian symbol? With every spin, dive, and maneuver the eagle performs, it exemplifies the freedom with which we associate it – to be along for the ride, even just visually, would be an honor.

As the bald eagle’s domain is bounded only by sea and shining sea, there is no telling where the journey would take you, what natural wonders could be seen below. From the majesty of the Rockies, to the beauty of the Appalachians. From Washington’s national forests to the Everglades of Florida, the eagle roams free, commanding the sky. With aeronautical grace that not even a camera on its head could impair, the bald eagle could show us all of these things and more.

Gotta love a boy with brains AND brawn.

Besos – Yitty Yath

Me andJoey

Joey is way too humble to write his own bio so I’m going to do it for him. During his time at the third best high school in the U.S. (and #1 public school,) Joey entangled photons with a barium-borate crystal and led a school-wide scavenger hunt complete with ridiculously cryptic clues that ultimately led to an invitation to join his (non-existent) secret society. At Stanford, Joey studies and researches particle physics (or quantum physics? Fact check?) Joey is also super into Daoism. His favorite Daoist quote is: “If good happens, good. If bad happens, good.” OH, and Joey is on the Stanford Bhangra team. (It’s a type of Indian dance.) Yeah… that boy can (and will) Bhangra til his limbs fall off. 

JV screenshot

Please direct all dating/relationship inquiries regarding Joey Valery to datejoeyvalery@gmail.com*.

*(Yes, it’s real.)

Written by Catherine Goetze

Catherine Goetze www.cathincollege.com Find me on social media! Facebook: www.facebook.com/cathincollege Twitter: @catherinegoetze Instagram: @catherinegoetze SnapChat: @catherinegoetze Contact me: cathincollege@gmail.com


  1. This is actually deeply touching and so incredibly true. I was in Joey’s English class for the last two years of high school and he was at least as popular with the ladies there. Keep doing you, “Jojo”!


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