It’s time to settle this.

Explicit language ahead. Critical debates merit critical language.

Dunkin’ Donuts is better than Starbucks in literally every domain. If you know anything about coffee you already know this to be true. But for some odd reason there are STILL PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO PREFER STARSH*TS TO THE DOUBLE D. I am here to inform those very people of reality, that DD > SB every single time.

Dunkin’ Donuts, straight up, has better coffee.

We can talk all day long about the fact that Dunkin’s coffee comes from Fair Trade Certified Arabica beans (the best beans) and about how the original DD secret recipe has been around for decades longer than the deer sh*t Starbucks puts in their grinders, but at the end of the day, this debate boils down to taste. And if you have any of your own, you know that a cup of Dunkin’ Donuts coffee is better than a cup of Starbucks coffee.
A cup of DD joe is bold, but not bitter. It has a full-bodied flavor that is not diminished when milk or cream is added. It is sweetened perfectly with the default amount of sugar, but is equally delicious black. It is strong, aromatic, and never EVER sour. Dunkin’ D’s iced coffee is equally, if not more satisfying than its perfectly heated counterpart. It is ice cold and refreshing without sacrificing the intensity of that perfect coffee flavor.
Starbucks coffee tastes like dirty noodle water. Not only that, but it is likely to burn the nerve endings off some of your taste buds when you take the first sip. You have to add your own cream and sugar if you’re not using a drive thru, and if you order a beverage with sugar already added it’s likely to increase your chances of a diabetic contraction by about 500%. But remember: No amount of sugar will change the fact that you just ordered a $5 cup of sh*t water. If you are looking for something to get rid of that horrible sweet-at-war-with-bitter-scat taste in your mouth, you can always just order another $5 cup of iced coffee. It will taste just like ice water but the discoloration will let those around you know you paid for it!

Contrary to what you may currently believe, DD beverages are far more customizable than Starbucks beverages, thus resulting in a never ending variety of delicious drinkable treats for you and your tastebuds to enjoy.

When you think “Double chocolate chip soy vanilla latte macciato, extra sugar, no whipped cream,” what comes to mind? If you said “Starbucks” or “boob job mom,” you are not in the minority. The general public has come to associate this sort of over-the-top drink customization with Starbucks clientele. But did you know that while Starbucks only offers THREE year-round flavors to add to your drink (Vanilla, Caramel and Mocha,) DD offers over FOURTEEN (14) total flavor options??! (Only 14 are listed on the website, but even some of my favorites are missing from the list, including peppermint mocha, pralines and cream, and mint chocolate chip.) You can add any combination of the flavors for no extra charge to ANY drink.
You want a small Dunkaccino (half coffee half hot chocolate all amazing) with Toasted Almond and Coconut? Sure!
A medium coffee, regular sugar, easy cream, with half a pump of Pumpkin Spice? Okie dokie.
How about a Latte with Raspberry flavoring? Or maybe Blueberry? OR MAYBE BOTH FOR NO EXTRA CHARGE?

Starbucks is absolutely, positively, indisputably OUTRAGEOUSLY overpriced.

Starbucks Grande coffee: $2.10
DD Medium coffee: $1.79

It gets more expensive when you start adding flavor at Starbucks.

Starbucks Venti Skinny Vanilla Latte: $4.45
DD Large Vanilla Latte Lite: $3.49

In the summertime, any size iced coffee or iced tea from 3-6 PM is only $0.99. It’s the best deal in the world.

Starbucks Venti Iced Coffee: $2.95
DD Large Iced Coffee (summertime): $0.99
DD Large Iced Coffee (non-summertime): $2.69

Starbucks is NOT the only coffee franchise with cold blended drinks.

Starbucks Small Caramel Frappuccino: $3.75
DD Small Caramel Frozen Coffee: $2.99

Everything on the Starbucks menu has a BETTER Dunkin’ Donuts equivalent. The converse is not always true.

DD Medium Dunkaccino (half coffee, half hot chocolate, all YAASSS): $1.99
Starbucks Dunkaccino equivalent: OOPS NOPE SORRY DOESN’T EXIST

DD Small Cappuccino Blast (Frozen coffee mixed with a scoop of ANY flavor ice cream from Baskin Robbins): $3.99
Starbucks equivalent: Error 404: Delicious blend of ice cream and coffee not found.

DD Blueberry flavor: $0.00
Starbucks Blueberry flavor: No, we don’t have that.

DD Coconut flavor: $0.00
Starbucks Coconut flavor: Nope.

DD Hazelnut flavor: $0.00
Starbucks Hazelnut flavor: I’m sorry, I don’t think we can do that…

DD Raspberry flavor: $0.00
Starbucks Raspberry flavor: No, sorry, that’s just a Dunkin’ Donuts thing.

DD Mint chocolate chip flavor: $0.00
Starbucks Mint chocolate chip flavor: I can throw some mints in the blender if you have some???

DD Butter pecan flavor: $0.00
Starbucks Butter pecan flavor: I’M SORRY WE CAN’T DO THAT WE ARE DEEPLY INFERIOR TO DUNKIN’ DONUTS PLEASE FORGIVE US.

Want to talk food?

DD Munchkins: $5.99 for 25 pieces
Starbucks Cake pop: $43.75 FOR 25 PIECES. Plus all the time you’d have to wait around for them to make them all.

DD 2 Lemonade donuts: $3.29
Starbucks 2 slices of Iced Lemon Pound cake: $4.90

I could do this all day. (Starbucks Menu Prices, Dunkin’ Donuts Menu Prices.)

To put it in perspective, if you buy one medium cup of coffee every work day for an entire year, you could save $80.60 annually by switching to DD.

Starbucks makes you add your own milk and sugar. WHAT THE F*CK.

Yup. If you order a coffee at Starbucks and ask for cream and sugar, the server will politely direct you towards a small table with pitchers of milk and cream, as well as packets of sugar, cinnamon, chocolate powder and nutmeg. While they’re at it, maybe they should just put the coffee maker there too with some whipped cream and chocolate syrup and we can just make the whole damn thing ourselves?

SURPRISE! You think that iconic white cup with the circular green emblem makes you look chic. It doesn’t. Carrying that cup alone makes you look like a stereotypical basic b*tch.

  
Wait, what?
Why is a cup of coffee part of each of these outfits pulled from fashion boards on Pinterest?
Why is a beverage an accessory just like a scarf or a bracelet?
Honestly, props to the Marketing Manager over at Starbucks for managing to promote their product so successfully to teenage girls that they have come to believe it to be an integral part of their daily routine. That took some serious brainwashing, but I guess when you’re spending $141 million a year on advertising, you manage to pull it off results like that. Cheers.

Customer Service at DD beats whatever the hell Starbucks employees are doing.

For some reason, Starbucks servers have some odd sense of superiority over everybody else, including their customers. I don’t mean to generalize, but in nearly every interaction I’ve had with a “barista”, they give off a vibe that generally correlates with: “You think you’re so cool drinking Starbucks. But look at ME. I WORK here. I’m cooler than cool. I’m ice cold. I’m like the tundra, b*tch.”

They have an entitled sense about them that makes them all nauseating to tolerate. They’re cold, unfriendly, stiff, and entirely too bitchy. They also are like robots that are not capable of processing human speech if the input doesn’t directly correlate with a menu item. I once entered a Starbucks (I had a gift card,) wrongfully assumed that “coffee” would be a menu item at the restaurant, and had the following experience:

Cath: Hi, can I please have a small cup of black coffee?
Server: …
Cath: …
Server: Like, the dark roast?
Cath: Is that your regular black coffee?
Server: I mean, like, we can do a medium roast or a dark roast or a blonde roast but if you want black coffee you probably mean the dark roast, right?
Cath: (Tries not to reach out and strangle the server)
Cath: Yes, the dark roast is fine.
COFFEE. I WANT A CUP OF F*CKING COFFEE.

In the United States, approximately 1 in every 3 Dunkin’ Donuts has a Baskin Robbins built right into the establishment. That’s compared to Starbucks, which has a whopping zero.

You know what goes great with coffee? Ice cream. You know what Starbucks doesn’t have? Ice cream.

Donuts+Bagles+Muffins+Breakfast IN ADDITION TO THE ALREADY AMAZING COFFEE.

This one just speaks for itself. Every Dunkin’ has a WALL of donuts, muffins, and bagels of all flavors to chose from, whereas Starbucks usually has one measly glass panel behind which lie tiny bagels that feel a lot like rubber and pre-packaged lunches kind of like the ones your mom used to make you in elementary school but without all the love. If you want anything actually warm, you have to ask the barista to stick it in the microwave for you. At DD, they serve you their hot foods, wait for it… hot.

And Starbucks can promote this image of freshness and wellness all they want, but I know I’d rather get a hot sausage, egg and cheese sandwich served with hash browns that I can SEE the server directly put in and retrieve from the toaster oven than a plastic box of cheese and grapes whose label is designed to trigger subconscious receptors in your brain and make you think it is good for you when in reality THE FOOD INSIDE HAS PROBABLY NEVER MADE CONTACT WITH A HUMAN BEFORE. *deeeeep inhale*

IN CONCLUSION

I hope I have successfully dispelled all remaining rumors that Dunkin’ Donuts is anything but overwhelmingly superior to Starbucks in taste, value, variety, and the overall customer experience. If anybody would like to challenge my correct opinion, I would be happy to take you down in an effort to defend the Double D or die trying.

Qué Dios les bendiga.

Written by Catherine Goetze

Catherine Goetze www.cathincollege.com Find me on social media! Facebook: www.facebook.com/cathincollege Twitter: @catherinegoetze Instagram: @catherinegoetze SnapChat: @catherinegoetze Contact me: cathincollege@gmail.com

2 comments

  1. a) I don’t find the baristas anything like you portray them; b) I find your taste in coffee (just gimme a black coffee!) rather pedantic; c) cost comparison (add to that the senior discount not at SB) is valid; d) I love donuts; e) Dunkaccino beats the hell out of a SB cafe mocha (which is usually served luke warm)

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  2. Your arguments are pretty solid for DD! It’s too bad there’s more Starbucks than DD around me so the convenience part of DD is a bit lacking, but that just puts them in the same corner as say, McDonalds. But I do have to argue that the SB cake pops vs DD munchkins comparison isn’t fair. Munckins are donut holes which are much cheaper, less dense since it is just fried dough and just not as great as regular cake pops. So 1 point to SB for that. Other than that, I should try DD sometimes!!!

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